Forewarning: This is going to be a long one and gets kind of deep, but I have a lot on my mind, and God has really moved this last week, so stick around until the end. I promise it’ll be worth it!
So, For those who have or haven’t read my previous blogs or don’t already know: This summer, I chose to do an internship through TrueNorth Church in Wauseon, OH. God has blessed me immensely since being here. Although It’s had its ups and downs like anything, I’ve seen God move through my life and the lives of the students I’ve interacted with. As a part of my internship, I got the privilege of helping with a Camp for the Organization Fellowship of Christian Athletes, better known as FCA. My Boss, along with being a full-time pastor, is the Area director for Buckeye Border FCA, which covers most of Northern Ohio. So, he and his wife have been planning this camp for several months, and since I work for the Church, I got the privilege of attending. I didn’t know what to think if we’re being honest. I didn’t know much about this organization before this last week, so everything was new. I came into the camp on Friday, and Campers arrived Saturday. With Student Ministry, finding alone time can be extremely difficult. Even though I’m a people person for the most part, spending that much straight time with people with no breaks can be a little overwhelming, but usually, I’m a trooper and just kind of forge ahead and find a way to deal with it. This is an ATHLETE camp; most kids here are very athletic and highly competitive. I can get competitive occasionally, but let’s be honest, I don’t have one athletic bone in my body, and I’m pretty bad at games and competitions, so that made me feel a little out of place.
Everything about this camp was going just fine until Monday. Friday through Sunday were awesome. I got to know my group and connected with the other leaders, and everything was just great. Monday Morning though, I woke up feeling very down and just overall sad. There have been several projects with my work recently that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into that haven’t worked out for some reason or another, and so just the combination of thinking about that, plus lack of sleep and caffeine, plus thinking about all the schoolwork I have to do when I get back and a lot of other things, I just wasn’t feeling very well mentally or emotionally. I’m typically one to hide my emotions so that I don’t burden others, but with my mixed feelings of sadness plus stress and anxiety, there wasn’t a lot of hiding it that day. I had hidden it relatively well most of the day, but during one of the games in the late afternoon, there was an odd number of people for the game, and it was a game that required an even number of players, so I chose to sit it out and just spectate, which was fine by me. One of the older gentlemen volunteering at the camp pulled me to the side during the game, told me he could tell that something was bothering me and that I wasn’t alright, and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. While I appreciated the offer, I hadn’t known him for more than two days, so I wasn’t just going to open up and share my deepest struggles with a guy like that, who I barely knew. He told me to “Fake it until I make it,” which, to a sad person, is some of the worst advice anyone can give. So I waited until that night, and as time went on, my thoughts got more and more intense and deeper and deeper to the point where I didn’t feel like I could control my thoughts or worrying anymore. So I waited until the campers went to bed, and then I went to the parking lot and crawled into the trunk of my SUV and called a good friend of mine. This person knows who they are and is a person I can always go to when I’m struggling with anything. I know that they will support me by just listening and making me feel heard, but he will push me toward Jesus as well. He knows me well and knows what I struggle with, and he can usually find a way to help in one way or another. After talking to him for a while, I finally stopped crying and calmed down a little bit. I texted my other closest friend and told him how I was feeling, and he talked with me for a while and assured me he was there if I needed anything, which also helped a TON. After that, I took my friend’s suggestion of utilizing our school’s free 24/7 counseling service. I had used it once before when I needed it, and so I was familiar with the process of how to go about getting onto it. I wasn’t all that excited about the idea of talking to a professional. Still, I know that God put those kinds of things in my reach for a reason, and there is no shame in asking for help when you need it, so I should utilize the resources that are available to me.
With the service, since it’s 24/7, there are counselors all over the USA, and you never know where your counselor you get to talk to will be from or much about them, other than the fact that they are trained professionals, there to help any time of day or night. The lady I got was from the South and had an extremely thick accent which was hard for me to understand. As I told her everything I was feeling, she asked me a few questions and then took a minute to process what I had told her. She told me a lot of things and although I didn’t understand all of it, I very clearly understood her when she said that even though I was stressed and anxious and even a little bit sad, it was OK and that none of those things last forever. None of those things define me as a person, and things will get better; it’s just going to take some time. I’m not that patient of a person, but we’re working on it, one day at a time. It was then that I realized that I simply had forgotten who I was and put my identity into my feelings. At that moment, if you would have asked me to describe myself, I would have said a sad, lonely person. Who I really am, though, is a Goofy, Fun-loving, authentic Child of God. My Father defines me, and the words he uses in scripture to define me are 100% better than any of the words I would use to describe myself. Words like: Known, Chosen, Worthy, Loved, and most importantly, enough. That’s the word I struggle with the most. I tend to believe I’m not good enough, but God says otherwise, and I know in my mind and heart that his words are the Truth, so I should believe those instead of the words that are planted in my head by the enemy.
Through all of this, I’m trying to say that we all have ups and we all have downs, but what matter is that we all center it back around God and we continue to trust that he has a plan through it all, even when it doesn’t seem like it. He got me through my valley this week. He’s provided me with the most AMAZING people I can go to when I don’t feel all there, and most importantly, he’s provided me with another day to bring others closer to him and this space to share my heart with you all. Blogging has become extremely therapeutic for me, and none of this would be possible without God. To HIM be ALL the glory!