So, if I’m being honest, yesterday was a tough day for me personally. Just like any other functioning adult, I have my good days, and then I have my not-so-good days. Life isn’t always up and to the right, and that’s OK, but what my life is, more than anything else, is authentic. One of the things college has taught me more than anything else, it’s how powerful authenticity and vulnerability can be. There’s something SO freeing about just opening up about your struggles and letting them go. Yesterday, I woke up with those four magical words in my head. These four words I’m about to share with you have impacted my life for so many years (not in a good way) and still fight me today. Yes, THOSE four words, “I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”. It hit me like a dump truck. Before I tell you about what happened yesterday, There was a particular weekend in December of this last year where I struggled with those words really hard but found freedom from them in vulnerability. I want to share a little bit about that weekend and how much it changed my life, and then I’ll tell you about yesterday.
On Sunday, December the fourth, 2022, I learned how freeing vulnerability felt. I’d be lying to you if I told you that night didn’t change my life. That weekend was a hard weekend. The previous Friday, my roommate and closest on-campus friend Matthew had moved out of our room in Hodson Hall to move home to get his back fixed (that’s a long story for another time). Before that, I hadn’t ventured out much. I hung out with my roommate but not a lot of other people, so I didn’t know a whole lot of other people. I spent the entire weekend alone in my room with my deep, dark thoughts. The words “I’m not good enough” and “I’m the real reason my roommate left” were two dominant thoughts that ran through my head that weekend, and I believed them. That Sunday evening, I knew there was a worship night, but I didn’t have any desire to go. That was very unusual for me because I LOVE worshipping, but for some reason, it felt off. I didn’t know anyone who would be there, and I didn’t know what would happen, let alone that life change would happen that night. Being the extrovert I am, I knew I didn’t want to spend the night alone for the third night in a row, so I pushed myself, got out of bed, took a shower for the first time all weekend, and went. It was super uncomfortable just because I didn’t know hardly anyone and I felt like such an outsider. That night, they had a worship band that opened us up with a few songs, and then they asked us to divide ourselves into groups of 3 or 4 and share our struggles with each other. I got into a group with two guys who are now like family to me (I’m not going to share names, they know who they are). I hardly knew either of them at that time, but at that moment, something told me everything would be OK. So, I left my comfort zone and shared everything I was struggling with the two of them. I wasn’t good at being open, and it felt super uncomfortable just to let everything out, but, As soon as I finished sharing, I felt this weight lift off my shoulders like nothing I’ve ever experienced. At that moment, I knew I wasn’t alone. At that moment, the two of them made me feel known and valued, and more than anything, they made me feel heard, which I hadn’t felt in quite a long time. Later that night, after we got done sharing what we were struggling with, we had a time of prayer where we all prayed together. When I got to have those two guys pray over me, I suddenly felt free from those lies that had been attacking me all weekend. To have people praying with you and for you is such an incredible feeling that words cannot even begin to describe. I knew God was present at that moment and had been present all weekend, it just took me a while to see. That night, I learned that it’s OK to not have your life put together 100% of the time because nobody is perfect, and we all have our ups and we all have our downs, and it’s OK that my life wasn’t perfect.
Most importantly, though, I learned how freeing it can be to open up. Since that night, whenever I’m feeling down, I first take it to God, and then I go talk to someone. Usually one of my two closest friends but sometimes someone else too and it feels so good just to let out what you are feeling.
Anyway, back to yesterday. I woke up with those four demonic words trapped in my head. It tore me down SO hard. I didn’t have any motivation to want to do anything. I didn’t get out of bed until 9:30 in the morning, which was highly unusual for me because usually I get up at 5:30 and do my devotionals and then go to the gym at 6 until 7 and then come back and get ready for the day but yesterday, I felt zero motivation to do anything. At 9:30, I decided that if I didn’t show up to chapel, my friends might be worried about me (yes, that’s the kind of friends I’m blessed with), so I decided to get up and shower and drag myself into chapel so that my friends wouldn’t be worried. I also knew that if I had to attend class, I signed a course contract saying I wouldn’t miss it, and I was not one to go against my word. It felt like such a drag, though. I don’t remember any of the worship or anything about the sermon yesterday. All I could think about was those four words, which sprouted other thoughts, and before I knew it, I had what felt like a thousand anxious thoughts running through my head. I was telling myself I wasn’t good enough and that I might as well drop out of school. Then I got to thinking, If I drop out, what are people going to think? Are my parents going to be mad? Are my friends going to be disappointed? What’s going to happen with my life?. To say I was scared and anxious all at the same time would be an understatement. Internally, I shut down to the world around me. I don’t remember anything about what happened after chapel or who I talked to because I could only focus on how much of a failure I was and how I wasn’t good enough.
I came back to my room after chapel and cried, and when I say I cried, I was balling really hard. I reached out and shared how I was feeling with a friend but I remembered something my counselor had told me the previous week when I talked with him. He shared with me about the TalkNow service through my college, where I could video-chat a licensed counselor anywhere, so I decided to utilize that. They took me through some steps and breathing exercises, which helped a little, but I got off of that video chat and still felt defeated. I was an emotional mess, but I walked over to my positivity wall in my bedroom, with all my quotes and positive pictures. The first thing my eye caught was one of the newest quotes on my wall: “The way we make our anxious thoughts smaller is by making our awareness of God’s greatness bigger.” Then I took a deep breath and really got to thinking, God really is good, isn’t he? He woke me up this morning, put warm water in my shower, granted me safety in chapel, and the best people to surround myself with? The list goes on and on, but After that, I went on a drive and listened to some worship music and eventually it got me calmed down and in a better mindset, but it was hard to get out of that pit.
Through all of this, I’m trying to say that God truly is Good and CAN bring light to any darkness we may be experiencing. God always makes a way, even when it feels like we’re going down a dead-end road. Last night, we had The Well, my favorite on-campus worship night. At the very end, all my friends prayed together. When they asked for prayer requests, I shared that I could use some prayers for my mental health, and I had 2 or 3 of my friends come up to me after and hug me and tell me that I wasn’t alone and I just felt so at peace. God truly is Good and can do far more than we think or imagine. If you’d like to know more about what it means to truly put your life into the hands of Jesus, don’t hesitate to reach out, I’d love to have a conversation!